You are never too Old to want your Mothers Love!!!!

I don't know what comes over me sometimes.....even when I know it's not true. I sometimes think after all of these years that my mother cares about me......
I have always hoped and dreamed about what my mother would be like......If I had any control of who and what she is.
She would be the best Mother in the world:

1. She would love me no matter what!
2. She would always tell me how much she loved me.
3. She would be proud of me, and she would tell me so.
4. She would hug me and tell me that it will be alright even when thing are all wrong.
5. She would call me on the phone just because she had not heard from me in the last three days.
6. She would care if I had a bad day, and listen to me vent about it without judgement.
7. She would let me know that she would always be there for me, and with her around I am never alone.
8. I could call on her any hour day or night....if I needed her.
9. She would always answer the phone, or call back.
10. She made me feel that she was glad that she brought me into this world and it was a better place for it. 

Well those things listed above are of course fantasies!!!!! My mother in reality is nothing like this.....If she comes close to even having three of the listed qualities I would be some what satisfies with her as my mother.....But as you can guess by now.....I am not.....I sometimes wonder if I had any thing to do with the fact that my mother is a cold hearted BITCH!!!!!!! No! I don't think that could be much of a stretch to say, or that.....SHE has never given a shit about me, that would not be an over exaggeration of who she is to me.....Or at least how I fell about her......
I think that I have been angry at her since I realized that her behavior toward me was not normal behavior for a mother who says she loves and cares about her daughter.....for real, she would only pretend that she cares to her friends or her boyfriend at the time, I was always some type of problem....Never would she say "she placed in her race today and won a medal", "Oh I'm so proud of her as my daughter".......I have never heard that from my mother my whole life.....and at this age I probably won't......
I had that realization about 9 or 10 when my mother could never be found cheering for me from the stand, as I ran around the track in many races through out Junior High and High School. She never saw me compete in one race that whole time, not once.....she was always too busy......so as I got older I just came to accept the fact that she will never have an interest in anything that I do.........except to pass some type of fire and brimstone judgement on me......It's is her mission to save me, cause something was wrong with me and still is.........Pray for me y'all!!!! I have been her daughter for over forty years and I still feel  like that woman will never love me or give a shit about me......She proves it time and time again......She always states, with her chin held high, whats not her responsibility(translation: "bitch you're on your own"), namely me....... that's her answer for everything!!!!! AND TILL THIS DAY STILL IS!!!

Now you must understand that I have come to accepted her for who she is.....I have just never got over the anger about it.....I still sometimes wonder if your mother doesn't cheer for you who will!!!!!